Firstly, I want to thank you all for the messages of support I received on my first post, encouraging me in my decision for this year. It really meant a lot and cemented in me more that this is something that I need to do. Anyway, it’s coming to the end of the first month of my no dating challenge so I thought I would do an update on what I have been learning. Caution: this is such an awkward post and has taken me ages to pluck up the courage to publish!!
OK confession time. I struggle with lust big time(who doesn’t?!). This is something God has been challenging me about for years but, for various reasons, I have not wanted to address it: it’s fun; it means facing questions to do with sex before marriage, a concept which I honestly find boring(!); and what happens if I remain single for my whole life? I have become very aware that the ratio of males to females in the church is, what feels like, 1:1,000,000 so there is a real possibility of never making it down the aisle. I know nothing is impossible for God but it seems unlikely that He will start conjuring people. In agreeing to do this challenge, then, I kind of knew that God would bring this up pretty quickly.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, God has been making me examine the reasons why I feel the way I do about singleness and during the course of January I have come to realise that lust is such a major problem for me because I have been using it as an escapism from all my anxious, wandering thoughts. Let me explain. I have always been a worrier but over the past year it has been really bad at times as I have worried about my final year at University, life after graduation, my dissertation etc. Inevitably, then, my thoughts often raced uncontrollably in my mind and I sought distraction from these in a particular type of literature e.g. Fifty Shades of Grey and lustful thoughts. God, however, has taught me that HE should be my refuge, the place where I abandon my fears and find rest from my racing thoughts.
Psalm 46v1 “God is our refuge and strength.”
Matthew 11v28 “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
These verses have taken on a new meaning for me and I can safely say that having consciously tried to resist lust this month and leave my fears with God has resulted in me feeling more emotionally balanced and at peace. It is a freedom.
Let me just make it clear, I am not implying that sex is bad. Oh to the contrary, God LOVES sex but it’s what I have been using it for that has been the problem. Yes, I still have questions surrounding saving it for marriage but I’m sure that will be addressed in the coming days.
On a slightly lighter note, my first few weeks of being intentionally single has brought me a new sense of independence and love for who I am. I am starting to appreciate the simplicity that comes with singleness of being able to go where I like when I like, having my own space and real time to myself. Also, I have consciously begun to like my body and appearance and am really enjoying dressing my figure and admitting that I like what I see in the mirror. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed fashion before (quite the contrary) but I’ve found a new confidence in myself.
So, it has been a busy few weeks!! I know there is much more to be learnt and I can sense God bringing more things to the forefront which is exciting.
Until next time X
Thoughts... 